Somewhere amongst the rubble

I was laying down, hoping to sleep for even a few fleeting minutes. My girlfriend and I, we're not doing to good, and it hurts. I caused it, it's my fault, really it is. No pitiful self-loathing, just facts. We fought last night and it was because of me. And now I feel like the love she says she gives to me isn't really as much as I once thought.

"Why?" .. it's because she's choosing to ignore me. The worst feeling in the world to me, feeling alone, and she's choosing to make me feel that way. She knows how much I hate feeling alone, much less being alone, and yet she's choosing to force feed me this detested emotion.

I love her like no other but how can I imagine that she feels the same when I'd never willingly ignore her. And no, this isn't per chance.. this is blatant disregard for me in any way. She turned the phone off and when she turned it back on, she's ignored any and all attempts to talk to her.

Selfish, really, but I suppose I can't blame her. She's an amazing girl with very strong opinions, and she'll fight to the death to defend her ideals.. She has direction, and knows what she wants.. She's very headstrong. Unfortunately, I'm heartstrong, and that seems to lead us down roads we'd have rather never ventured to in the first place.

She speaks of work when she had a good day. I praise her, I say I'm glad for her and that her day was well. But when her day is not well, she doesn't want to talk about it, no matter how many times I ask her what's wrong. I don't understand this. To make matters worse, she does not remember at all the times I've praised her for her accomplishments at work. I feel like I'm not important enough to be remembered. Not for anything worth while. Only the bad. In my own irony, this is how I remember my ex. Only by the bad.

To her irony, this is her number one complaint about her family. She speaks so much of what she's done for them in her past, and constantly reminds me that they never appreciated anything she did, and acted as though nothing had been done in the first place. She makes it seem as though they were extraordinarily cruel to her emotions.. Why, then, can she not see that she's exhibiting the same traits towards me?

I guess I'm not meant to understand. I just hope we talk soon. My respirator is failing me now. I should probably go to the iron lung.